My Confession: My Struggles with Jealousy and Being Insecure In Gods Love

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Jesus began, “You have said it well, My Love. And thank you for including the struggle you have with jealousy. 

 “My dear ones, nothing will kill a church or particular body of believers as fast as jealousy. It is one of the most deadly sins, because it destroys unity and creates serious moral lapses for the sake of retaliation and competition. So many who are in the music ministry have a gift, but their hearts are far from Me. Rather, they are seeking the world’s accolades.
(still small voice http://www.heardwellers.org)

I want to be very candid and transparent in this post concerning my hidden struggles that I have had with Jealously and Insecurities in my walk with the Lord. The newest message from the Lord was posted today on Still Small Voice which is a ministry that I am apart of. Within the message Ms. Clare was very honest concerning her struggles with Jealousy as she was seeing others grow in their anointing and holiness. As I was reading all I could do was laugh because the very same things she struggles with  I do too! That is what I love about her and the ministry is that not only is she anointed but, so very open about her weakness and in-capabilities. Which immediately prompted me to do this blog to confess mine as well because some may see me writing blogs, having my YouTube channel, doing fb live prayers every week, posting words of encouragement,  and always speaking about intimacy with Jesus but, not knowing my very real weakness. Which should encourage anyone that the Lord loves to use hot messes which I am one of them lol

This past week in my alone time with the Lord he kept giving me scriptures on “Jealously” 4 days in a row.  through my bible promises book which I use for discernment  as I began to really examine my heart thinking Lord where , Lord where? At first my eyes would fall on the scripture about how God is a jealous God, so I began to think I wasnt being faithful to the Lord because there couldn’t be jealousy in my heart. (  of course not right ..oh boy lol) .You know when we try to get out of a conviction the Holy Spirit is calling out lol). After, the third day day, I was then like okay Lord you are addressing something. So Upon receiving this message he hit the nail right on the head.

“Anger is cruel and fury overwhelming, but who can stand before jealousy?” (Proverbs 27:4)

You see this past few weeks the Lord has really been showing many hidden sins in my heart that offend him as he is calling me to holiness and pureness of heart. He has began to show me that I was insecure in my love with the him. Why was I still desiring others approval or love from others and when I didn’t get I felt rejected. You would think after spending hours in prayer and worship with the Lord every morning I would come out feeling so secure about who I was in him but,  as he has made me aware “I was seeking him but, didn’t trust him”. So then a situation would occur  during the day and I would be hit with arrows of rejection because of the response I would get from others. Then a friend candidly said to me “Nana you do all these videos on youtube, you talk about intimacy with Jesus but, your not deeply rooted and ground in Gods love  that’s why you still struggle with wanting love from others.” I thought to myself wow isn’t that so true. Especially when dealing with relationship of any form we tend too look for the people in our lives to provide that love for us and they never fully fulfill that role only Jesus can. However, I was still insecure in my relationship with Jesus which affected everything else. I needed to be deeply rooted and grounded in his love for me that I could be made whole.

  • I realize when I was insecure about Gods love for me I looked for those around me to provide that security of love
  • Being  insecure about Gods love for me I began to look to others for validation
  • Being insecure about Gods love for me caused me to question the sincerity of others love towards me
  • Being insecure about Gods love for me caused me to love guarded not with my whole heart
  • Being insecure about Gods love for me caused me to love the Lord half halfheartedly and not with my whole heart
  • Being insecure about Gods love for me caused me to fear being hurt by others
  • Being insecure about Gods love for me caused me to compare myself ultimately causing me to have Jealous thought towards others

So because of the root cause of my lack of security and trust in my identity in Christ I found myself having Jealous thoughts toward a dear friend. In the most subtle ways but, of course not to God and the saints. Our thoughts are so very loud before all of heaven lol  As someone who is called to lead others this demon of Jealousy is so terrible and easily causes deep breaches of division, and not only quench the Spirit of God in ministry but ruin your soul eek! Furthermore, the Lord has made me known that laziness and jealousy goes hand in hand. Those who have are anointed by the Lord have worked very hard so many times is our lack of application that causes us to be Jealous of others. So I am glad to be exposing it and getting the darkness out!

I found myself being territorial of a fb page I was called to run. I need help so I asked her to assist me with the page however, when she began to really take over the page and do things without asking. giving suggestion. I found Jealously rising in my heart in being territorial of something that wasnt mine in the first place but it’s the Lords ( I  mean can anyone relate). Then secondly we both decided to do prayers on fb live first together then separately. We began to do at the same time and day. As time went out I would find myself seeing her prayer video but, my eyes falling on how many views and comments she got versus me.  (I mean can anyone relate) Lastly I found myself comparing her messages from Jesus to mine. As she would share what the Lord was telling her as we are both learning to discern the Lords voice. Her messages sounded so regal and wise full of authority. However my messages sounded so simple, like my own thoughts and the devils would get me to just want to give up pressing in to hear Gods voice. ( I mean can anyone relate ). lol I mean comparison is a death trap! I found these were all the issue of my heart ;however outwardly everything seemed find. Until, the Lord began to call out all this hidden sin and offenses that were going on that no one else knew about but, him. He first had me confess it to my dear friend in which I am so grateful for our unique relationship because she was so gracious and just laughed. Wheew, I thank the Lord for his faithfulness as he continues to tell me to shine the light on the dark places in my heart that others may have the freedom to do the same thing. One thing I also felt he told me was that I am unique, I have a set of people he has anointed for me to draw to himself so it makes no sense to compare. All that do will continue to be different from anyone else because of the unique souls I am called to reach. That is the same for each of us, when we began to compare it kills Gods unique anointing  upon our lives because there are people I am called to reach with my looks, my height, with my voice, with my experiences, with  my weaknesses, failures etc that they can relation too but, not to someone else.

So I don’t know if you have dealt with this or are dealing with this especially in ministry its okay lol Its just not okay to stay there I have learned that there is so much freedom in confession sins truly. It liberates you and the other person. So if you have had this struggle with someone I encourage you to open and tell them you would be amazed they may have some of the same feelings towards you as well which gives them freedom to share their weakness. So lets embrace our uniqueness and most importantly be deeply rooted in Gods love!

My Prayer for myself and for you: Ephesians 3

For this reason I bow my knees to the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, 15 from whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named, 16 that He would grant us according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with might through His Spirit in the inner man, 17 that Christ may dwell in our hearts through faith; that we, being rooted and grounded in love, 18 may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length and depth and height— 19 to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that we may be filled with all the fullness of God and come to embrace our unique identity in him in Jesus name!

-From Jesus With Love

 

 

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Swimming In the Ocean Of Gods Mercy

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Isaiah 30:18

So the Lord wants to show you kindness. He waits on high to have loving-pity on you. For the Lord is a God of what is right and fair. And god will come to all those who hope in Him

The Lord just gave me this scripture after falling again…(sigh) just right after I got out of prayer with him and gave me scriptures on Obedience. I was telling the Lord man you are humbling me I cant seem to go an hour without a fall Lord . So instead of running from him I ran to him and received Mercy. Oh how kind and sweet our God is indeed if we just run to him.  I have been asking the Lord to humble me and he has indeed doing that where he is really revealing all my hidden sins and struggles which causes me not to even think to judge others or walk in pride because I see how weak I am and indeed of his mercy so that i may give others mercy as well.

Luke 6:36
Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.

This past week I have found myself falling in every way and every day in faultfinding, quick tempered, impatient and even gossip under the guise of “lets pray for them” lol You know we have all been there and done that which is an offense before the Lord. You see I prayed for the lord to purify my heart and he has been doing just that where I am able to feel it…yes I feel heat on my back and pain in my body when I have fallen which is a grace and a gift he allows. Which I believe he has given to many of his other brides to keep us spiritually healthy and in check. It causes me to run to him immediately with this wonderful (trying not to be sarcastic here…Lord forgive me) answered pray the Lord has given me. I found myself being taunted by the enemy that it seemed I couldn’t do anything right, I began to feel so down and discouraged almost to the point of hopelessness. However, after having a conversation with a friend she reminded me that it was great the Lord has really called me to purity and I am always willing to confess even the littlest offenses to others which gives her room to d the same but it seems like I dwell there. That I didn’t need to dwell there, yes I had fallen but the Lord had already made a way for all my sins, so confess , repent and move forward. I am not sure why something clicked in that moment and decided I wouldn’t allow the enemy to continue to use my faults against me any longer

 

In prayer the Lord showed me the most beautiful image of me just swimming, more like floating in this beautiful crystal clear pristine VAST ocean as the sun was kissing my face. I was in pure joy and the Holy spirit said ” You are swimming in the ocean of Gods mercy”. Many times the enemy will use our faults against us especially those the Lord has called to intimacy because we so want to please him in everything we do and can be devastated when we sin against him but, the Lord was reminded me of his mercy.

Mercy:

noun
 1.compassion or forgiveness shown toward someone whom it is within one’s power to punish or harm.

power to punish or harm.

Somewhere along the way I had taken my eyes of Jesus and so much on my weakness that I have forgotten He always makes a way available for us all and that is his mercy. The Ocean of Gods mercy is endless, never ending, so peaceful, so filled with love and readily available for all those who humble themselves and boldly come before their Fathers throne to receive it. I am definitely in a season of swimming in the Ocean of Gods Mercy as I continue to be tested tried, fall, repent receive mercy to be tested again. If it wasnt for his mercy I am not sure where I would be….well maybe I do lol Jesus is so tender is so patience in the midst of this that I felt him say in my heart yesterday “its okay, tomorrow is another day just try to do better tomorrow” just to fall again….

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What does Jesus have to say….”Beloved, its okay tomorrow is another day try to do better tomorrow walk in obedience to my every word and you will have peace as you continue to swim in the Ocean of my mercy, I love you my dove, oh how I love you. Don’t be discouraged by your weakness but continue to boast in them as you bring them before me so I can strengthen you with more graces”. So if you find yourself struggling with your weaknesses and sin before Lord don’t run away from him but jump, jump, JUMP into the Ocean of his mercy which is readily available for you, He loves you!

-From Jesus with Love

But Wait Lord I Am Confused….. You Said: Trusting God Amidst Contradictions

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Psalm 37:5
 Give your way over to the Lord. Trust in Him also. And He will do it

I know many would say God doesn’t contradict himself, which is indeed very true for God is not a man that he should lie however, I have come to find out in my walk the Lord indeed allows many contradictions, many detours and many delays….why?? To not only purify our love but, grow our trust and confidence in him. Man it has been that season for me.  Being tested, pruned, tried, refined to be tested all over again. Have you ever find yourself excited writing down an amazing promise from the Lord just to find out the process was not at all what you had expected. Your first reaction is to say…..wait a minute wait a minute this is not what you told me Lord and he says ” but will you trust me through the process and believe what I said”. The Lord has a funny way of giving promises and direction without ever telling you the cost involved lol I believe he does that on purpose because if we knew the cost many of us would recoil in fear and say no. However, he gets us at a place when are hearts are open and willing to follow him anywhere and we find him ever so near when we find ourselves at a contradiction, a delay and  detours.

Many times during these “test” that come in a form of contradictions which is when the circumstance looks completely opposite from what he spoke to said or delays; when its a lot longer then you thought or you have to now wait on that promise and detour; when you find yourself veering off in another direction that you thought you were meant to go. I have come to find out in all of these circumstances it comes down to ME. What “I” thought it should look like, be or the path that “I” think would best get me there. Oh how I am learning and frequently forget its not about ME buts is all about Jesus. In these moments is when our true nature, our true murmurings of our heart come out and many times its eeky. We find ourselves frustrated, angry, bitter, resentful, complaining, discontent while the whole time the Lord is wanting to kill our nature and give us his. Which is patient, kind, makes no record of wrongs, is selfless, sacrificial and obedient.

I am reminded of people like Joseph, David, Moses, Abraham who were all given amazing promises from the Lord but, had many contradictions, detours and delays from the process to the promise (wait a minute side not that is a sermon title alright holy spirit lol) Joseph was promised to be King over all his family they would bow down to him but in the process he was thrown in prison and had various delay for 13 years until until his promise was fulfilled. David was anointed king and in the process was chased into a cave and on the run for over a year until his promise: he reigned as King, Moses was called to lead the children of Israel into the promise land and in the process had to endure with the children of Israel with their complaining for 40 years until the promise: reaching the promise land. Abraham was promised a son and in the process had to wait 10 years however became impatient had Ishmael until his promise: Issac came

So I am coming to understanding in the testing, in the breaking and in trusting God he allows contradictions, delays and detours from the process to the promise. What promise in your life has God granted you that seems to be not what you expected? That seems to be taking forever? That seems to be taking you down a direction you never imagined? Will you still trust him, that what he said he will do. (speaking to myself here lol)

Nana will you trust him and put confidence in Jesus?

My friend will you trust him?…..

-From Jesus with Love

 

 

 

 

Renewing My Vows

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I am hearing His whisper….
Today you will renew your vows to Me. I will cause you to remember those words you spoke to Me when I first unveiled My love in Your heart. You said to Me that you will love Me and serve Me and go with Me where I lead you.
Today you will renew that vow to Me. And you will know that I am in You, even as you are in Me. I am energized to show you My love as you renew your passion to do My will. There is a work ready for you to do, good works that will bring Me much glory.
You are ready, for I have prepared you. The only thing that now remains is that you fasten Your heart to Mine and come with Me. I will revive your soul until your life overflows with My goodness. Many will see and trust in Me as your life presents My fullness to others.
I will cause the veil to drop in front of you and you will gaze upon mysteries you have never seen before. You will see what angels see and feel the fire of My passion.
What I will reveal to you cannot be learned by books or through the instructions of men. I, Myself, will make your heart to know Me and understand My ways. The preparation I am calling you is this: renew your vows of love to Me today and I will show you things that will change you forever.

– Passion Translation

“I have fallen, I have fallen and I can’t get up”…..this has been the cry of my heart this season. Woooo………. it has been a whirl wind of battle after battle that I continuously failed; because I allowed my flesh and emotions to get in the way of what the Lord was trying to do. Which was to grow me more in virtue and character to resemble him as his bride. I didn’t realize how miserably I had failed until I found myself brokenhearted, wounded, utterly discouraged, weary and looking back to see the many missed opportunities where I could’ve responded like him….in LOVE.

Instead I had allowed seeds of resentment, bitterness, unforgivness to fall in my heart. I had allowed the enemy of my soul to steal my peace, my joy, and even my hope. I had indeed fallen and wasnt sure how to get up anymore. I began to have pride swell in my heart as I questioned Gods ways, wanting to have understanding and feeling entitled too a different path of MY CHOICE and not the one he had laid out for me, because it was so uncomfortable and painful. I thought to myself,  of course this has to be wrong and MY WAY has to be right. ( I got God figured out right) ?WRONG!. I  was frustrated as I continued to worry instead of trust, and question instead of seeking his face for clarity.

What made things worse in light of all of these things was that my weakness was put on  display for others to see. As the enemy would push sensitive buttons over and over again and as I would react in my flesh over and over again. I began to despise my weakness and cried out to the Lord to heal me, fix me but what I love about Jesus is that he is not like a man at all. He gently picked me up in prayer, held me to his chest so tightly and allowed me to be there. Without any words his love would wash over me and he understood perfectly every fiber of my being, he understood perfectly every pain and torment I was going through, he understood perfectly my wants and needs that only he could fulfill. As I felt him say in my heart  ” Beloved don’t despise your weakness or be ashamed for others to see it. In fact boast in your weakness so my grace would be perfected in you. I made you just the way you are in your weakness so you could rely on me even more. Your weakness calls you to intimacy with me”

So this weekend I told the Lord I want to get away with him. I am desperate for his presence and to hear his words of truth to wash away the lies and labels I incurred. I am in need of his balm of Gilead to be poured out upon my heart to heal and strengthen me and his words of wisdom to give me clarity and direction in this season of my life. So 3 1/2 years into our relationship I am going to renew my vows again to Jesus. I am going to empty myself of all I think I know, of all I have been taught and sit at his feet like a child to be taught all over again.  I need him to rekindle the fire of my love so I may continue this journey with the same passion and love for his will in my life. I believe as his bride its so important we do this from time to time. We can begin to get so casual with our relationship with Jesus that we sometimes lose our way and fall….not knowing how to get back up, but we thank God that he runs to pick us up and is still willing to continue this journey with us!

-From Jesus With Love

 

 

 

 

A Dance With My Father On This Valentines Day

dance with my father

Last night the Lord called me into prayer, well actually the pass two nights he has called me to himself. To drop everything I am doing and come into his presence to spend time with him because he needed my comfort, my worship and my love. However,  yesterday was quite different because instead of me dancing with Jesus I just felt the presence of the Father, of Abba. I imagined myself in this beautiful yellow dress, my hair was curly with a red rose in my hair.  As I began to dance in my Fathers arms, I was so overwhelmed by his gentleness, his love and more so his need for me.  God needs us, he truly does each of us are so unique in our creation from head to toe. In all the world there is not one like us therefore the is no one who can take the place of our presence, of our worship and of our love. There is a specif place in the heart of God for each of us and he misses us when we are not there.

You know in this season of my life I am coming to really cultivate and trust the person of the Abba Father. I know that sounds weird right  lol I have been waling with Jesus for 3 years now and I remember the first year just falling madly in love with Jesus asking to know him more and he has definitely answered my prayer. I am still getting to know him even now, then the second year my prayer was Holy Spirit I want to know you, trust in you learn how to relay on you as my teacher. So I came to love and trust the person of the Holy Spirit. However, it  didn’t hit me until last year when the Lord gave me the word “Child Like Trust” did I realize that I didn’t really know God the Father and I had deep father wounds of abandonment as well. Wow he opened my heart up this last year and uprooting somethings I didn’t even know were their. Then he came in and has scooped me up on his lap to just pour out his love and heart on me. As we were dancing I began to cry because he was telling me how many have him so wrong especially his daughters. Many have been heart, abandoned, rejected even abused by their physical fathers and though they may love him through his son Jesus many don’t know him or more importantly know his heart for them. He is not a Father who is critical, judging, demeaning or more importantly he is not a father who will ever forget them, neglect, abandon and reject them.

As we continued to dance Abba Father in the spirit  He put his head on my forehead and this most gentle loving way and said ” You are your Fathers Daughter” I was taking back by those words and tears began to flow. He continued on saying ” You have so much of me in you, you know that strong willed nature, you get it from me” as he touched my nose with his finger.  How many times have we had wrong labels we have received from our own Fathers, or bad characteristic people associate us with connected to our Fathers. So him saying those words were so freeing for me. I thought to myself ….you u know what WOW, I AM MY FATHERS DAUGHTER, Abba Father!

So I just want to encourage you that is how God sees you, beloved.  Look in the mirror, you see that smile, that nose, that chipped tooth, that dimple, your hair, skin color, height, the way you laugh, your strong personality, your introvert ways, your bright creativity, your logic mind, and so much more. He created you perfectly and even if your earthly Father never treated you well, or wasnt really there physically or emotionally, or spoke negative words over you. My beautiful brother/sister you are your Fathers Child, you are created in his image and he soooo desires to take you away from this mundane world into his. Which is heavenly and filled with love, a supernatural love in which you were created from.  So on this valentines day No longer pursue the love that only your Abba Father can give in men or in a women. Avail yourself to him today in worship, Abba Father is inviting you right now to dance with him. In the most exclusive Daddy and Daughter Dance will you say yes? Close your eyes and you will be surprised how God is so desperately waiting to Dance with you, his beautiful daughter today and lavish his love over you!

 

So I am having Date Night With the Lover of my soul again tonight, for our 3rd year anniversary to dance the night away with my Valentine in worship and Praise!!!

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(1st year’s Date Night 2.14.15 where it all began <3_

 

Zephaniah 3:17
For the Lord your God is living among you.

    He is a mighty savior.
He will take delight in you with gladness.
    With his love, he will calm all your fears.[a]
    He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.

Hope In HIS LOVE…Even In The Pit

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Romans 8:38-39
For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, 
Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

I found myself what looked like in a raging storm of emotions a couple of nights ago. The waves were fierce and the wind even fiercer as I found my thoughts going into a deep  deep into a dark pit. I kept telling myself Nana you have been here before don’t take your eyes of Jesus don’t take your eyes off Jesus but, it was too late. I had completely lost my peace and all I could do was cry out before him in Mercy. The enemy shot one arrow of doubt that triggered my emotions and turned into a snowball effect of me doubting if I was in Gods perfect will. This strategy is called a sucker punch, is when your doing perfectly fine going about your day and a situation, a circumstance, a word is uttered by someone or something and triggers an emotional melt down. You my friend have been sucker punched by the demons.

I began to seek God asking why frantically, is something I did and I am outside of your will? Have I missed you Lord, have I missed you? I felt like Peter was on the boat and confidently walked out to meet Jesus the minute he took his eyes on the waves he began to drown…I was drowning in my pit. Looking for answer’s all over the place because when I sat in Gods presence I got nothing. It had been a struggle for a few months to hear his voice. It was after reaching out too two dear friends of mine who put my thoughts in perspective and I began to realize…I am being tested. When the Lord is silent its because I am being tested with the storm raging all around me would I cling to his promises? With all the emotions raging in my heart I still had to go to work and counsel and encourage online with their walk in Christ. Ironic huh lol but, the Lord used one of them to encourage me. As he wrote me back saying I had helped and ministered to him greatly. He made a statement that he can now return back to Jesus because there is HOPE IN HIS LOVE and it hit me like a lightening bolt.

That was the problem I had been trying to hope in my love for Jesus for too long. If I can be honest my passion for him was dwindling and I was so weary and tired all the time. I felt like I had nothing left to give anyone because I had put hope in my love towards Jesus. I began to feel discouraged because MY love felt like it was decreasing, wasnt exciting anymore but that was just it. That is how our love for God will be sometimes conditional but when we HOPE in HIS love that is unwavering, unconditional, consistent, relentless, faithful, trustworthy, passionate (all the time), and always available. So from my pit, finally I declared my weakness and reached out to receive his love. Despite my falling terribly, giving in to the tactics of the enemy, giving in to doubt and lies against his character. Jesus loved me back to life and nursed my gaping wounds so I may rest in him as he continues to fight this battle.  I finally he spoke to me in a song that kept playing in my mind ” BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD”.  So I declared yes Lord I will be still in this storm and HOPE in YOUR love for me not mine.

So do you find yourself in your own pit in the beginning of this year? The pit can be your circumstances, your own thoughts, and your emotions. That have been weighing you down heavily and you seem to not have a way out. You seem to not hear Gods voice and you don’t know where to turn, Hope in HIS love. Because He loves you he will never leave you nor forsake you, He has not forgotten you and is right there in the pit with you. He had me rewrite Romans 8:38-39 as a declaration over myself and personalize, you should too because HIS word stands!

“For I am persuaded that neither losing my job, nor losing my car, nor spiritual warfare attacks of the enemy, nor moving back to my moms house, nor the criticism of family and friends can separate me from HIS love. For God has called me, qualified me and justified me. I will hope in his love knowing that he is working it all out for my good!

-From Jesus with Love

When You Mess Up, Don’t Run From Him But Too Him

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I found myself this weekend kind of avoiding my alone time with the Lord as my heart and mind were swarming with thoughts of discouragement, frustration, weariness, discontent, and confusion. For the past couple of days I have been having difficulty in hearing from the Lord clearly and I would seek him for a rhema word  yet not really understand what he was directing me to do. I was getting words from him about “Laziness” twice in a row (eeeh I hate getting that besides sin and pride, makes me cringe) The rhema book provided scriptures on slothfulness so anytime the Holy Spirit gives me laziness it definitively not a good thing. He then also gave me rhemas about specifically being given priceless gifts from heaven and I need to use them or on that day before the Lord I will have many sorrows. So I felt the Holy Spirit telling me  I am being passive or lazy about work, ministry work to be exact. Not utilizing my gifts for the kingdom with the time he has given me. The confusion came because I am not working at this time which I strongly believe was a commission from the Lord to trust him to open the door to the place he wants me at and not just any job.  Then he gave me another rhema of “Submitting to Authority” I began to see how serious he was thinking what have I missed because I have been patiently waiting for 8 months, so getting this word twice threw me in a spat of confusion. Which of course opened the door to the enemies oppression.

James 4:7
Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.

I began to entertain lies from the enemy and get in my flesh. I found myself complaining and honestly being frustrated with the Lord ( I know) but, I was. It has been difficult this season being back home believing it was God’s will. Babysitting watching my nieces pretty mush the whole half of the day whiles my sister works. Then trying to squeeze ministry work in late at night even staying up way into the AM just to get things done. So as I began to resist the Lords admonishments I opened my heart to receive all the arrows of the enemy saying ” I missed God”, “whats the point”, “everything I am doing is in vain anyway” “what I am doing is not good enough”, “He was the one who told you to come here so how can he expect you to be focused in this environment”. Yes I began to entertain all these thoughts and lies, as I did I began to run to food for comfort as well in the midst of my fast, just feeling like throwing in the towel to give up already. Thoughts of overwhelming sadness, my heart hurting, disappointment grief, and condemnation came over me. So I knew I had to rush into prayer to repent, ask the Lord to clean my heart but I had been avoiding this the whole day. I knew Jesus doesn’t condemn but, I kept thinking oh how I bet he will be disappointment and I deserve this oppression and to be honest I just didn’t feel like praying .

(SIDE NOTE: SPIRITUAL WARFARE 101 Whenever in your walk with the Lord you don’t feel like praying that’s when you NEED TO PRAY all that the more!)

However, when I finally stop fighting my flesh and got into prayer so I can pour my heart out before the Lord in tears. I saw a picture impression upon my heart, of course it wasnt a mad God who had his finger pointing at me saying “how could you”, I am mad at you, or even disappointment. No, I saw Jesus with the sweetest smile just waiting and before I could say or do anything I felt him say “Come hear” and he held me ever so tightly so close to his heart as my head was under his chin. All I could do was began to cry and cry. After a few of him holding me I wanted to let go and look him in the face and he wouldn’t let me as if to say. Its okay, just rest hear don’t be so quick to do anything but just stay right here and He held me even more tightly with the greatest compassion and love. I was like Jesus I don’t deserve this, and he said your right you don’t but its my mercy and love for you, that will never change. We had the sweetest communion and of course the Holy Spirit picked the best songs about falling short, stumbling into sin and the last to not give up!

I realized in prayer that I had been walking in a posture of entitlement before the Lord which the root is all pride. That in giving my whole life to the Lord and upon walking in obedience in the midst of this suffering I deserved some things and If they were not coming I had every right to be frustrated. I couldn’t believe how nasty my heart was, wow that I felt entitled. I felt the holy spirit tell me “We don’t deserve his goodness or his judgment”. Wow, we don’t deserve neither, when the Lord saves us, transforms us and even reveals himself to us its all by his mercy. We don’t deserve any of that and when we walk in condemnation, guilt or shame and we believe or the enemy tells us we deserve consequences that’s a lie because we don’t deserve that either. Jesus took upon the cross all of these things so we can walk free freedom as a son or daughter of God without condemnation. How many Christians feel that way in their hearts sometimes and both thoughts make us run away from God rather than too him. The beautiful thing is what we are entitled too as Christians is Free grace, mercy, love, compassion, and companionship because of the sacrifice and blood of our sweet Jesus! SO RUN TO HIM NOT FROM HIM, YOU ARE FORGIVEN!

-From Jesus with Love

 

 

 

 

Drink Deeply Of Me

Ascension

Psalm 16:11

You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

 

Journal June 5, 2017

Jesus whats on your heart?
 
“Drink deeply of me, come to the wellspring of my love every morning and take in us
much as as you want and need. Don’t go a day without it. Discouragement is the food of
your enemies don’t eat it. Instead worship me and allow me to sings songs of victory over
you and drink of my love, my grace and my mercy which is never failing, unending,
satisfying and renewing.  If many of my people understood all that happens in my
presence they wouldn’t want to leave. I would no longer become an after thought at the
end of their day or a just a 5 minute prayer in the morning. I would be in fact their
source in everything which I already am but, I give my people free will to choose me or
themselves, choose me or other things which will never satisfy. So my beautiful dove
choose me every morning and drink deeply”
-From Jesus with Love
Isaiah 66: 10-11
“Rejoice with Jerusalem! Be glad with her, all who love her and all you who mourn for her. Drink deeply of her glory even as an infant drinks at its mothers comforting breast”

Being Ordained By God

jesus reaching hands iStock_000012497323Large

Matthew 22:14 For many are called, but few are chosen.

I am learning in my walk that its a wonderful grace that’s given to all who are ordained by God. For the longest when the Lord called me I was running for man’s approval, man’s validation, and man’s support of what God had called me to do but when God ordains you He calls the unqualified, the unequipped and the uneducated. Those without status, title, and influence to become a light house in their generation. Fortunately, for me I fit all of those qualification and you do too!

When I began to walk in the direction the Lord called me to I got a lot of opposition. Not only from the enemy but many times from well to do meaning Christians who would question what the Lord told me to do because of my many non-qualifications. I too believed I had to go the “normal route” the way everyone has gone who is called by the Lord but I have come to realize that MY WAY was normal and GODS WAY never is lol.  These are some of the few things I heard and some things I have learned:

The first thing the Lord put on my heart was to start a prayer meeting at my apartment my first year for walking with him. I heard “you don’t have a covering so you shouldn’t do that”….actually I heard there
Psalm 91:4 reassures us, “He shall cover you with His feathers, and under His wings you shall take refuge”
Learned: I am married to Christ so the Holy Spirit is my covering

As the Lord continued to lead me the Holy Spirit began to impart a love in my heart to pray for everyone that I met or encountered. I heard “ you shouldn’t be so quick to pray for everyone or lay hands only be led by the Lord”
Philippians 2:3-4 Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.
Learned: God loves everyone and wants to touch everyone through you if you would allow it!

I had many tell me “you need to get a spiritual mother or father to help guide you in this spiritual walk”. So I began searching and the Lord was closing every door.
John 14:26 But the Helper (Comforter, Advocate, Intercessor—Counselor, Strengthener, Standby), the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in My name [in My place, to represent Me and act on My behalf], He will teach you all things. And He will help you remember everything that I have told you.
Learned: Although having a spiritual mother and father is good in Gods timing the best counselor is the Holy Spirit who is the best spiritual counselor you can have!

I thought I needed to go to seminary school and others told me that I must if I am called to “ministry” However, when the Lord began to confirm that He would teach me I was scoffed at and called prideful to think that God could teach me.
John 6:44-45 For no one can come to me unless the Father who sent me draws them to me, and at the last day I will raise them up. 45 As it is written in the Scriptures,[a] ‘They will all be taught by God.’ Everyone who listens to the Father and learns from him comes to me.
Learned:
That in fact God loves to teach his children and by the Holy Spirit, He is the best teacher. Furthermore in scripture he even confirms that many of us in these last days would be taught by him

I find myself today unqualified in my own strength but qualified by Gods grace. I find myself unequipped by my own training but equipped by the trials God has allowed. I find myself uneducation without any vocational ministry studies but educated by the Holy Spirit. I find myself without status in the church but in the Kingdom called a “a royal priest”. I find myself without a title but in the Kingdom titled “a warrior bride”. I find myself having no church pulpit but my life being unraveled before the “cloud of witness” as a platform to impact all of eternity!

 

Psalm 32:8 I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my loving eye on you.

 

Yes you….you also are chosen, anointed, appointed and ordained by God in this generation for such a time as this. He will instruct yo and teach you in the way you should go. He will counsel you with his loving eye on you. Stop looking to men and believe what God has said and called you to. So my brother or sister…Go NOW, go into all the world and make Jesus known!

-From Jesus With Love

Is Jesus Truly Enough……Is He Really?

pouting

We hear this “Christianize” phrase often if that’s what you want to call it but, its a pretty solid question. Most believers say it, we declare it in songs…”Jesus your all we need”, “Less of me more of you”, “Christ is enough for me”. Now lets be honest how many of us actually believe that and live by that? Well that’s exactly what the Lord has been teaching me this week or should I say challenging me with that question. Asking ” Nana am I truly enough for you”? Hmmm I  love this picture honestly I imagine that’s how I look like with Jesus about half the time, Lord help me lol.

I’m so gratefully that He is so patience, tender and gentle with me even when I pout when his will doesn’t match up with my desires. You see this past week I found myself falling into anxiousness again bewildered about what the Lord was and is doing in my life.  He finally spoke to me about a job He wanted me to apply for. Finally, I thought after 6 months of unemployment with it ending today I just knew that I would apply and would get a quick response, interview and of course the job. But, no I haven’t heard anything back from them, hence the anxious thoughts began then follows the doubt. I found myself looking at my situation and being discouraged this morning. I started thinking about my lack of provision, what I was going to do, with No job, no car and if I can be honest no husband lol. Yes, I started thinking about all of it like Lord when, Lord when. I realized I had based my joy and all my emotions based on my circumstances and what I didn’t or did have rather than Jesus. How often as believers do we do that, yet we say Jesus your are enough.

 If you find completion, contentment or joy in anythings else than Jesus, He then is in fact not enough

I had the most amazing experience a few days prior where i felt power and electricity shoot through my whole body. The feeling was so amazing it took my breath away literally, then immediately after breathing in I felt like a gush of warmth, felt like Gods love and goodness wash over me. It was enough to make me melt lol Seriously, I felt as if Jesus had held his breath and blew on me, it was soooo wonderful and in that very moment. I knew why David said this one thing I inquire of and seek is to dwell in the presence of the Lord for all the days of my life. For David, Jesus became enough! He had all of Israel , all the riches  and as many concubines he could have but for King David that wasn’t enough all he wanted was Gods presence. In that very moment I realized that’s all I wanted, that’s all we were created to desire is Gods presence. I found myself in my prayer closet thinking If I had a husband in my bed, children running around, a nice vehicle outside, my dream job and amazing ministry that would honestly be NOTHING compared to Gods presence. Most importantly it would mean NOTHING without Jesus. At that very moment I didn’t care for anything else in the world but my sweet Jesus and to be in his presence for all the days of my life. I just wanted more of him and to know him more that’s it.

John 17:13
I am coming to you now, but I say these things while I am still in the world, so that they may have the full measure of my joy within them.

However, night I went to bed anxious, I felt the anxiety on my back and neck. I even had a horrible restless night. I woke up feeling discouraged, tired and weary and during my alone time this morning I felt Jesus speaking to me tenderly “Nana I am here” ,”Nana I am right here” I could feel his presence so strongly.  Reminding me again, am I enough for you Nana because I am right here with you. Concentrate on my sweet presence with you in every moment and let everything else go” I began to realize how easy it is to forget Jesus’s presence, to forget that he is literally with us, living with us, walking with us doing life with us. How it hurts him when we confess that he is enough yet we walk discouragement or even discontentment when we don’t get what we want and at the time we want it. When we want more things, more love, more validation, more , more. When we have the living God walking with us abounding in his love and grace to us all yet He is not enough. So is Jesus truly enough, Are we willing to abandon ourselves to his will, whatever that may look like? I had to ask myself If that job never came, or vehicle, or family would he be enough…..and He would. We have been studying John in our bible study group and reading this passage touched my heart. A beautiful prayer Jesus prayed for all believers when he was here still in the world. He  asked the father that we may have the full measure of HIS joy within us. Isn’t that amazing and that its available to us all. So that was my prayer this morning and for you if you can relate to this blog:

Jesus forgive me for putting selfish desires, selfish ambitions and things before you. Forgive me for finding contentment based on my circumstances rather than what was done for me by your sacrifice on the cross. I pray Lord that I would abandon myself to your perfect will, that I would become nothing and you would become everything in me and through me. Humble me Lord, I  pray that I would lay die my life and worldly passions. Deliver me from the opinions of others . I pray that I would have the full measure of your Joy Jesus within me and I would find contentment and joy in you alone. May the one thing I seek and inquire of is to dwell in your presence for all the days of my life. May you be enough for Jesus name. Amen!