So I know the title sounds….interesting lol but honestly that’s exactly what I did about two weeks ago. I can candidly say any believer who has an intimate relationship has had one of these conversations with the Lord and I am not ashamed to recognize my foolishness lol. If you have been following blog you can see that I have been in a wilderness season for sure however lately the Lord has been a lot more silent than usual for over a month now as I continue to seek him in prayer and worship still getting no definite answer. I would continue to get Rhema scriptures on Patience, and Seeking God :
“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. “For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened.
So about a week ago in my alone time I just let him have it, in the most respectful way of course but I just poured out all my frustriaons, anger and anxiets to him. I mean he said he loved David a man after his own heart, a man who was brutally honest with his God, so I can be honest right lol . Now, a little background on my relationship with the Lord I would like to think it is a very intimate one. He infact has truly become my husband, my God whom I am submitted too and like any husband for his spouse he is demanding. So I have come to understand that I cannot do a lot of things I want too or to be frank I cannot do a lot of things he might even allow other believers too do. We all have different calling, so there in lies the problem of me always comparing myself (as hand slaps forehead) and throwing fits ( in my heart that is) lol when he tells me no when I would rather go out saying come and spend time with me. However, in the past that wasn’t an issue at all, why I loooooved to spend time with my love because I would feel his presence so strongly, he would speak and leave me in awe. So of course I would forsake all to spend time with the Creator of the Universe, my Lord, my Groom, my Love and just relish in his presence….but I have come to know how deceiving my heart it because when the experiences stopped if I can be honest didnt seem as fun anymore.
The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?
So the times the Lord called me for prayer of course the enemy of my soul and my own flesh began to speak so much louder with lies. “Why are you always praying Nana”, “you know your neglected your family and friends spending all this time in prayer”, “whats the point your fasting and prayer still now answer”, “Nana go an live a little”, “There is a function at the church the Lord will be okay with it forsake him and go…come on after all its church”, “Nana come on there is no need to spend so much time in prayer”, “Nana look at everyone else accomplishing things what have you accomplished on your knees….just stop and do what you want”, “Man Nana nothing has changed, your wasting your time” , “Yea go out to friends to the movies, just take a break relax a little”, “Nana Your not living, go out and live a little”, “How are you going to meet anyone or a husband for that matter if you continue to isolate yourself and pray” …..these were some of the many, many tormenting thoughts that when through my mind which led me to this tearful, frustrated and honest converstaion with the Lord. It went something like this:
“Lord I am tired, I am waking up early in the morning to seek your face , when I get home I seek you face in hours of worship and prayer and nothing, You said as we give up more things in this world to seek your face you would give us constellations. Where am I constellations? Some have poked fun because of the car I drive and somethings they feel I should have, Family doesn’t understand me, I don’t really have any friends but one or two, some say I am too deep, I feel so alone at times as I try to please you and be obedient but I feel like I am not living, I am so unhappy, I let go of entertainment, forsake curtain activities out of obedience for you, I fast and I pray that’s all I do everysingle day just running home to this prayer closet and I get nothing. My dreams have stopped and as i seek you….nothing. I see others who live their lives plainly and they hear from you so clearly all the time that’s not fair….I feel like I am giving and giving and getting nothing.I want to live a little, have fun. I am unhappy Lord, I just cant, I just cant do this anymore. … as I said all of this outloud in a tearful rant, hearing the echo of my voice playing back all that I said, I thought to myself.” Oh my goodness, I just broke up with Jesus…..then I bust out laughing. Truly it had to be only the Lord that caused me to laugh because I believe he was laughing too. I could just see him looking at me saying are you done now? LOL
I had to think really Nana, so this it what it takes to walk away a little, to relax a little, to give in a little, to compromise a little…to “live” a litte. Who does that sound like? ( hand slap to my face) So upon regrouping and gathering myself I asked the Lord for forgiveness and to strengthen me. Just like the enemy to send someone too you to entice you just one more time which he did through a family member who came over a couple days after and questioning my relationship with the Lord. Guess what……he said the exact same things I had said to the Lord, stating that I need to live a balanced life, and I cant be too Holy, and that I need to live a little its good to have a relationship with the Lord but its not that serious….(my mouth dropped open…in my heart that is). I found myself not only defending my walk with the Lord but, most importantly I realized truly how foolish I sounded saying all that to the Lord and that in fact it was the cunning enemy of my soul to put those thoughts in my mind. You see majority of the time the devil is very cunning and suttle in his ways. The Battle is truly in the mind all he has to do is whisper thoughts in our minds, thoughts of how “little” a compromise we can take and it will be okay. However, I have come to understand is its the Small Foxes That Spoil The Vine. The Vine of our Love For Jesus that is, its the “little’ sins or compromises we make that cause us to stray only to turn around and find out how distant we are from the Lord. Well, I am happy to say Jesus and I are still going strong so no need to worry (if anyone was heartbroken initially reading this lol) we are in a covenant marriage so it can never be broken. Even if I stumble, complain, get angry, even if I make my bed in hell you will be there hence Psalm 139. By the grace of God I aint going nowhere, can I get an amen! lol. I am glad that the God that we serve is not intimidated by our tough questions, is not turned off by our frustrations but in fact he understand perfectly and loves us despite it all!! So for anyone else who can relate even in the least bit be encouraged.
So Father I pray that my love for you will abound more and more and more. That I would abound in knowledge and in all discernment. That by your grace I would approve the things that are excellent, that I may be sincere, without offense until the Day of your return in Jesus Mighty Name. Amen