Breaking Up With Jesus

unhappy woman crying

So I know the title sounds….interesting lol but honestly that’s exactly what I did about two weeks ago. I can candidly say  any believer who has an intimate relationship has had one of these conversations with the Lord and I am not ashamed to recognize my foolishness lol. If you have been following blog you can see that I have been in a wilderness season for sure however lately the Lord has been  a lot more silent than usual for over a month now as I continue to seek him in prayer and worship still getting no definite answer.  I would continue to get Rhema scriptures on Patience, and Seeking God :

Matthew 7:7-8
“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. “For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened.

So about a week ago in my alone time I just let him have it, in the most respectful way of course but I just poured out all my frustriaons, anger and anxiets to him. I mean he said he loved David a man after his own heart, a man who was brutally honest with his God, so I can be honest right lol . Now, a little background on my relationship with the Lord I would like to think it is a very intimate one. He infact has truly become my husband, my God whom I am submitted too and like any husband for his spouse he is demanding. So I have come to understand that I cannot do a lot of things I want too or to be frank I cannot do a lot of things he might even allow other believers too do. We all have different calling, so there in lies the problem of me always comparing myself (as hand slaps forehead) and throwing fits ( in my heart that is) lol when he tells me no when I would rather go out saying come and spend time with me.  However, in the past that wasn’t an issue at all, why I loooooved to spend time with my love because I would feel his presence so strongly, he would speak and leave me in awe. So of course I would forsake all to spend time with the Creator of the Universe, my Lord, my Groom, my Love and just relish in his presence….but I have come to know how deceiving my heart it because when the experiences stopped if I can be honest didnt seem as fun anymore.

Jeremiah 17:9
The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?

So the times the Lord called me for prayer of course the enemy of my soul and my own flesh began to speak so much louder with lies. “Why are you always praying Nana”,  “you know your neglected your family and friends spending all this time in prayer”, “whats the point your fasting and prayer still now answer”,  “Nana go an live a little”, “There is a function at the church the Lord will be okay with it forsake him and go…come on after all its church”, “Nana come on there is no need to spend so much time in prayer”, “Nana look at everyone else accomplishing things what have you accomplished on your knees….just stop and do what you want”,  “Man Nana nothing has changed, your wasting your time” , “Yea go out to friends to the movies, just take a break relax a little”,  “Nana Your not living, go out and live a little”,  “How are you going to meet anyone or a husband for that matter if you continue to isolate yourself and pray” …..these were some of the many, many tormenting thoughts that when through my mind which led me to this  tearful, frustrated and honest converstaion with the Lord. It went something like this:

“Lord I am tired, I am waking up early in the morning to seek your face , when I get home I seek you face in hours of worship and prayer and nothing, You said as we give up more things in this world to seek your face you would give us constellations. Where am I constellations? Some have poked fun because of the car I drive and somethings they feel I should have, Family doesn’t understand me, I don’t really have any friends but one or two, some say I am too deep, I feel so alone at times as I try to please you and be obedient but I feel like I am not living, I am so unhappy, I let go of entertainment, forsake curtain activities out of obedience for you, I fast and I pray that’s all I do everysingle day just running home to this prayer closet and I get nothing. My dreams have stopped and as i seek you….nothing. I see others who live their lives plainly and they hear from you so clearly all the time that’s not fair….I feel like I am giving and giving and getting nothing.I want to live a little, have fun. I am unhappy Lord, I just cant, I just cant do this anymore. … as I said all of this outloud in a tearful rant, hearing the echo of my voice playing back all that I said, I thought to myself.” Oh my goodness, I just broke up with Jesus…..then I bust out laughing. Truly it had to be only the Lord that caused me to laugh because I believe he was laughing too. I could just see him looking at me saying are you done now? LOL

I had to think really Nana, so this it what it takes to walk away a little, to relax a little, to give in a little, to compromise a little…to “live” a litte. Who does that sound like?  ( hand slap to my face) So upon regrouping and gathering myself I asked the Lord for forgiveness and to strengthen me. Just like the enemy to send someone too you to entice you just one more time which he did through a family member who came over a couple days after and questioning my relationship with the Lord. Guess what……he said the exact same things I had said to the Lord, stating that I need to live a balanced life, and I cant be too Holy, and that I need to live a little its good to have a relationship with the Lord but its not that serious….(my mouth dropped open…in my heart that is). I found myself not only defending my walk with the Lord but, most importantly I realized truly how foolish I sounded saying all that to the Lord and that in fact it was the cunning enemy of my soul to put those thoughts in my mind. You see majority of the time the devil is very cunning and suttle in his ways.  The Battle is truly in the mind all he  has to do is whisper thoughts in our minds, thoughts of how “little” a compromise we can take and it will be okay. However, I have come to understand is its the Small Foxes That Spoil The Vine.  The Vine of our Love For Jesus that is, its the “little’ sins or compromises we make that cause us to stray only to turn around and find out how distant we are from the Lord. Well, I am happy to say Jesus and I are still going strong so no need to worry (if anyone was heartbroken initially reading this lol) we are in a covenant marriage so it can never be broken. Even if I stumble, complain, get angry, even if I make my bed in hell you will be there hence Psalm 139.  By the grace of God I aint going nowhere, can I get an amen! lol. I am glad that the God that we serve is not intimidated by our tough questions, is not turned off by our frustrations but in fact he understand perfectly and loves us despite it all!! So for anyone else who can relate even in the least bit be encouraged.

So Father I pray that my love for you will abound more and more and more. That I would abound in knowledge and in all discernment. That by your grace I would approve the things that are excellent, that I may be sincere, without offense until the Day of your return in Jesus Mighty Name. Amen

 

 

 

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Faithful In The Small Things

tumbleweed3

 

The past couple of weeks have been a little rough, well quite rough lets say a Tumbleweed Season , began to feel a mixture of uncertainty ,anxiousness and discontentment. I began to seek the Lords will concerning a couple of things that were time sensitive “Time sensitive” For me anyway lol but you know how that is with the Lord. He walks with you completely unmoved by “our time’ and If I can be honest it can be very frustrating. (side note to Jesus: Yes, Lord this is very frustrating…sigh) lol . So as I began to press into the Lord in prayer and worship ferverntly he seemed so distant. No clear answer or direction besides “Wait” I got the Rhema Psalm 27 :14 Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD then again did you just realize how I said  he gave no answer and as I am typing this I realized that was an answer ….hence one that I am not trying to hear ( side note: uuugh…lol this is killing me Lord, he is probably like No Nana behind disobedient might..Eeeee LOL)

So I have been asking the Lord regarding his will concerning me moving out and a host of other things. I was going to  renew my lease but had to be the Holy Spirit that nudged me to stop and seek the Lords will. Needless to say I have 16 days left and starting to get a anxious. Then strife began to rise up within a prayer meeting group I started as well, and as I caught the Lord for direction and wisdom in that. Then I began to have spiritual and physical lethargy, weakness and soreness in my body for the past two weeks. I just kept telling the Lord, I am so tired Lord, I am tired. Just feel like giving up let me just relax a little.  If I can be honest what I was really saying was I am tired of praying and not hearing from you, tired of doing the prayer meeting, youtube channel, blog and not seeing any real fruit  just feeling drained having nothing  to pour out for the Youtube channel or even blog for that matter. It almost felt like my fire just was going out slowly. Just been dry. Tired of being at a job that I am not truly fulfilled  blaaaah!  (btw in tears I did tell the Lord all of these things on my heart)  So sought the Lord for another rhema word and got spiritual warfare and ” Patience”

Isaiah 40 :31

But those who wait on the Lord Shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with twints like eagles, They shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint

I knew I couldn’t allow the enemies lies and tactics to take root in my mind and especially in my heart. So I went to youth service this past Tuesday honestly just for the worship. I told myself I would go for worship to be refreshed then go immediate home to spend time again in my prayer closet to war. I had no intension on listening to the message until the pastor began to speak about different season ins believers life and the season he was talking about was: The Battle. So that got my attention and I sat down which had to be by the Holy Spirit because the message was so convicting and not at all what I thought. The Lord was finally talking clearly to me or should I say I finally got it. I should know by now when the Lord seems distant of course he never is, he is right beside us but it is a test, to test our faithfulness. That’s exactly what the Tubleweed seasons are, a test in faithfulness. The Isrealites wondered for 40 years never entered into Gods promises for complaining and murmuring and that’s what I had been doing. Being so ungrateful, so frustrated, even angry. I realized that in the midst of me waiting, in the midst of oppression and in the midst of the emotions of my flesh I need to be faithful with all that the Lord had commissioned me to do.

Lord thank you for the privilege and honor it is to not only serve you but to do this crazy life WITH you. Help me to be faithful in all that you made me responsible over. Help me to have self control over my emotions and feelings which can stop me at times from being responsible. Give me the Grace to endure, preserver and wisdom to discern not only your will for my life, in all that I do  but to discern good from evil so I may judge correctly those you have called me to lead . I pray that I would do ALL things unto you so today I proclaim that:

As I volunteer at the Welcome Center at Church- I will be on time, and go above and beyond to make all who enter into your sanctuary welcome

At my Job- I will be on time, a woman of integrity in action and in deed.Not working on other projects besides the work they pay me for and having my productivity reflect Christ

For Prayer meeting- I will praying all week for those who should attend, sensitive to your leading and instruction as to what to pray and how we should pray. I will follow up during the week with those who come as well to see how they are doing

For the Youtube Channel- I will be diligent  & consistent with my messages, seeking your wisdom and your heart above the leading culture/trending news. That I would have a spirit of excellence to take this responsibility very seriously and teaching others how to know, serve and love you.

For the Blog- that I will be diligent & consistent to write a blog post every week, that I would be transparent and honest in my writing to encourage, and inspired many that God truly uses the weakest to do his business.

Lord help me to become a virtuous woman, full of love for you and others, full of wisdom, integrity & excellent in all that I do. Living a life submitted to you in obedience and unconditional trust in you. In Jesus name…..Help me Lord lol